The Revenge Porn Challenge
By WomenAgainstRevengePorn.com
As Revenge Porn victims, we have heard it all. We've heard about how we're making a really big deal about nothing. We've heard that we are just a passing fancy and everybody forgets about us once we're on page 2. And of course, we have heard over and over again that we are not victims.
Well, we are not going to argue with you anymore.
Instead, we are officially offering you The Revenge Porn Challenge.
"Wow, that sounds kinky. What is the Revenge Porn Challenge?" you ask.
It's pretty simple. At no charge to you, we will disseminate your naked naughty bits at lightning speed across the world wide web, shamelessly catapulting you into Revenge Porn stardom. Your mission is not to squeal, bitch, cry out to Jesus, or kill yourself, as you are subject to 8 rounds of Revenge Porn star benefits. To be clear, you cannot ever accept payment or receive commercial benefits as a result of your newfound Revenge Porn Star status. If, and only if, you complete the Revenge Porn Challenge, you then have official permission to bitch-slap as many Revenge Porn victims as you want for crying victim.
Round 1: Loss of Dignity Through Intimate Close-Ups of Your Snatch, Butthole & Boobs
In Round 1, you will experience a sudden need to throw up as you view your photos for the first time. You will not be able breathe as you wonder how many friends, co-workers, and family members have had the honor of seeing your naked photos. You will cry hysterically as you wonder how many other websites have blessed you with your own naked-ass gallery.
But this is Round 1, and though you may be feeling a teeny-weeny bit of emotion, we need to make sure we weed out the wussy Challengers from the real ones. So, to make sure that you have fully, 100% thrown up all of your dinner, we will ensure that the close-ups of your snatch, butthole, and boobs are posted on websites that are located in really distant regions, like Antarctica. Why? Because website owners in Antarctica will not give a flying fuck about removing your naked pictures. It will really jack up that fresh feeling of hysteria you feel when you realize that your Round 1 photo removal request is being sent to someone in another country thousands of miles away. Website owners in Antarctica will be too busy wondering how to take a piss without getting frostbite on their dicks. So, yes, we will start with Antarctica.
To be a true Challenger, you must accept the publication of your full name and city above your photos. This personal information will be typed in New Times Roman, Bold, 14 point font. You also must accept 10x magnification of your vagina upon clicking of each individual photo.
Are you still with us! You are?! Well, you hot little slut, you! You have now completed Round 1! You are now ready for Round 2: Loss of Faith in the U.S. Justice System
After we have finished submitting your nude photos to websites that are hosted in Russia, New Guinea, Nigeria, and Uzbekistan, we will text you the phone number to your local police station. You will sob uncontollably to a totally random police officer as you direct him to every single one of your websites. You will feel a bit uncomfortable, but nobody said this was the Revenge Porn Party, you silly-willy! This is the Revenge Porn Challenge. So, you must suck it up while this total stranger checks out all of your private parts and says nothing for five minutes. He will tell you that he will get back to you tomorrow. You may start freaking out that the pictures are going to stay up for another day, but this is part of The Challenge. You must relax. At this point, your very intimate photos have only had about 1,000 views. Oh, stop whining, you little ninny! 1,000 views is sooooo minor league.
The next day, you must pick up the phone when the stranger (I mean, police officer) calls you back to inform you that you are not being harassed. After the stranger (I mean, police officer) delivers the news that he can't do shit for you and you must pay a lawyer thousands of dollars to remove your photos, you must say a very polite "thank you" and hang up the phone. You may be tempted to cuss out the police officer, but in order to move on to Round 3, you must bite your tongue.
Did you bite your tongue and thank the police officer for viewing your naked pictures? You did?! What a little camper you are! Now you are ready for Round 3: Loss of Current Employment.
After we have submitted your nude photos to 10 "My Life Is Ruined!" pleading-resistant websites, we will then assemble a list of all of your work email contacts, and we will send them links to all 10 websites. And to be sure that you are up to the Revenge Porn Challenge, we will send your photos with very professional comments posted underneath.
For your boss:
"Hi Boss, check out my new skills!
For your co-workers:
"Well, this is my last day at work. To congratulate me, click here."
Round 4: Loss of Future Employment. Now, since your ass has just been fired for completing Round 3, it's time for you to look for a new job. But you must let us know when you begin interviewing. In order to simulate real-life Revenge Porn stardom, we will temporarily remove all of your photos. You will have a wonderful, warm, fuzzy feeling of security and relief knowing that your photos are down. Then, you can walk confidently into your intervew knowing that your photos will never, ever, ever, ever be posted again. Ever.
We promise.
Just kidding! As part of the Revenge Porn Challenge, you must inform us when your interview is over.
Within 24 hours, we will re-post your photos to the original 10 websites with a vengeance. This time, we will also pull identifying face photos from your Facebook account just in case your future employer has any doubt as to whether that hot T&A in the photos really belongs to you.
Round 5: Loss of Your Last Name
At this point, if you have a last name, you won't want to use it. Well, you have two options. You can introduce yourself as "Jane Jane," or you can apply for a new last name. Never mind the fact that your last name is a huge part of your life identity. To be a true Revenge Porn Challenger, you must do away with it. Sometimes, this will require money that you do not have and there's no guarantee that people won't find out your real last name, but we never said The Revenge Porn Challenge would be easy, did we?
Round 6: Loss of Respect from Family Members
After we've sent your photos to your co-workers, we must move on to your family email Christmas contact list. We know that this list is usually reserved for holiday family planning events, but this is The Revenge Porn Challenge. We are talking serious shit here. So, we must email photos to your mom. Yeah, that's right. That nice lady who changed your diaper. Then, we are going to email photos to your brother. (Totally not gagging.) Then, if you're still up for The Challenge, we are going to email photos to your dad. (Totally not puking.)
Of course, we don't expect you to stomach this one. Leave it to the Pro Challengers, like us!
Round 7: Loss of Faith in Humanity
Now, I know this all sounds like a piece of cake to you. I mean, this is so easy, right?! At this point, your mom could win this thing. So, in order to discourage your mom from entering The Challenge, we will need to step it up a notch. We will subject you to constant scrutiny and condemnation of complete strangers. We will surround you with the coolest hypocrites that you can find. You must smile as these hypocrites say one of three things:
1) "I have sent naked photos to guys, too, but I did not include my face in them. I'm not that dumb."
2) "I have sent naked photos to guys, too, but they are not the kind of guys who would post my photos."
3) "I have sent naked photos, too, but only to my serious boyfriends."
We will also send you countless emails from reputation management companies who will act like they really care about you as they charge you tons of money to push your photos down onto the second page of Google. They will go on and on about how nobody googles you beyond the first page even though you know they're full of shit.
Round 8: Loss of Personal Safety & Security
Are you ready for round 8? Because this is the best, and last, round yet. Since this is our last round, we need to add a little oomph. How? Simple. Underneath all of your naked photos, which, by now, have multiplied like gremlins to 50 different websites across the world, we will post your route to work, your work schedule, and the exact times when you walk through the parking lot alone. You will be stopped at the grocery store by creepy guys who look at you like a delicious piece of medium-rare meat. With tongue hanging out, they will ask, "Are you THAT girl? I loved your centerfold. Nice tits!" But fuck the grocery store. We need to turn it up. So, we are going to post the address where you live. That little place you call home? You know, that place where you feel safe? Well, not anymore. You will be stalked by so many creepy men that you will hyperventilate even when your grandpa hobbles into your house. Still, you must remain calm. Take a few breaths. Do a downward dog. You can do almost anything, but you are not allowed to worry. If you worry, you will forfeit the Revenge Porn Challenger crown, and you will be stripped of your right to tell Revenge Porn victims that they all are just a bunch of sissy mollycoddles.
One Final Note
At this point, we know it seems like The Revenge Porn Challenge is all about losing. Well, that's why, as an extra, if you finish the 8th final round, we will throw in a customized involuntary porn star name, and we will be sure that you continue to win lots of attention from random perverts all over the world, marriage proposals from 50-year old guys who still live with their mom, and a box of pink-tasseled pasties.
Now, we know that we are going to be flooded with people who accept The Revenge Porn Challenge. In fact, we are so worried about heavy traffic to our website that we have considered not even posting The Challenge at all. But to deprive you of The Revenge Porn Challenge is to deprive you of all the benefits that we have enjoyed, and we wouldn't want to do that to you.
We really look forward to hearing from you. All of our Revenge Porn website operators are standing by!
As always, lots of love. <3
- WARP & ERP
(Kisses to our Bitches.)